Hello Friends, Earlier this week I found this piece of my writing that I had originally written a few days before my surgery. I realized that amidst the chaos of that week, it was neither finished nor published at that time as I had intended for it to be. It warmed my heart greatly to see how far I’ve come in five weeks, and how this season that began a few weeks ago has truly been full of new life being breathed into me, as I had hoped it would.
February 17th, 2014
Past seasons of my life have each taught me new and unique things. The biggest seasons of my life so far have really helped to shape me into who I am.
This current season of my life has had the most profound affect on my faith and my walk with God than any other. I was stripped of the things I once relied on, such as: routine, income, physical ability, exercise, serving in church, driving wherever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. Along with losing those freedoms, I found new restrictions: no income, a lot of physical pain, new worries and anxieties about the unknown that lies ahead. I have turned to Him to get through it, and I have had moments where I have cried out to Him because I knew that my own strength was not enough.
Life right now in this chapter has been a refining process. It has been a time of growth, a cleansing and purification of my heart and mind. I have been exploring my purpose, and finding my passions.
I hope that the next chapter, which will begin in a few days, will be a time of restoration and a time of new life being breathed into me.
In late December, I began to sort through the clutter within my heart in mind. There were many hours spent praying and writing out my thoughts because I didn’t know where else to begin. Sometimes when I am in the midst of a storm, I can hardly imagine even a glimpse of feeling okay again. While I had faith that the burdens I had been carrying a few months ago would eventually be lifted from my heart, I truly never expected to be where I am now. There were areas of fear and brokenness, discontent and a lack of belonging. I felt like I was only living out a fraction of the life that I wanted to be living, and the rest of my time was spent feeling frustrated or unsettled instead.
Then God showed up with His grace, and big things started happening. I never expected to make new friends in the weeks surrounding my surgery. I certainly didn’t expect for my heart to suddenly feel light again – now it feels lighter than ever before. I didn’t expect to form relationships and bonds with dear friends during this time, and certainly not such special ones. I didn’t expect to be living pain free, at least not so soon. I didn’t expect to return to my leadership role at church, serving the students of our youth ministry so soon. I especially didn’t expect to feel so much love and joy and contentment and gratitude and excitement pouring out from my heart each day.
But God had other plans. There has been so much goodness going on around me and within me, and I know that it is all from Him. I had no idea that while I was nearing the end of that physically and mentally trying storm in January and February, I was actually at the cusp of my favorite season yet.
While each season brings with it new lessons and oftentimes hardships, my current heart-matters are a lot more exciting and fulfilling than the ones that I had been dealing with before. Right now I am dealing with a bit of insecurity and a desire for wisdom and understanding, especially when it comes to reading the Bible. I am learning new ways to move and work within the limits of my physical restrictions, so as to take care of my back the best way that I can. I am working on being mindful of how I make use of my time, but I am also showing myself grace and allowing myself to rest and heal and be present. At the moment, I do not have a profound plan for what I am planning to do in the fall. I don’t know if I am going to be taking classes, or if I am going to be working for somebody else, or if I am going to overhaul my shop and start anew. But that’s okay. I do believe that all of the goodness that is happening in my life is just the beginning of greater things to come, like little seeds that are just beginning to grow into the fruit of the days ahead.
I’m not sure what steps I should be taking to grow right now, but I am learning that the experiences of life and walking through them with God seems to be the best way to refine my heart and mind. By intentionally surrendering every aspect of my life to Him and seeking wisdom and guidance, I am confident that the path ahead of me is going to be clearly laid out before me and that it will lead to somewhere wonderful.
I hope you are having a lovely day and that you are embracing whatever kind of season you are in right now. Even if you are not sure where you are at or where you are going, He knows and He has a greater plan than anything you can imagine.