“You are far more capable of more than you know.”
“In the whole phrase or piece of advice of ‘start before you’re ready’… I’ve thought ‘Oh I’m really not good enough to be there yet. I need to wait until I have sold this or I’ve made this happen or I have a fancy website. I can’t possibly show up to these places as an amateur. Just show up. Sometimes the most important part is getting through the door. There will be amazing things that will come out of it if you just get there.” – Amber Housley
God has been teaching me so much lately, y’all. My heart feels whole for the first time in a while and I feel like I am finally getting it. At the start of 2014, I had so many hopes and dreams for the year ahead and was living entirely on faith. In those first two months when my injury made it so painful to walk, I would wake up in the morning and slide out of bed and into the pages of my Bible, ready to start my day with a huge dose of scripture. My focus was set on learning more about God and relying on him wholly to get me through each day. I knew that meeting with Him each day was the one thing that would keep me from crumbling into an ineffective fearful mess.
Prior to surgery, I would spend my days designing prints, watching simulcasts, getting rid of excess, and crafting gifts for friends. That was enough. There was no expectation for me to work full time or to have commitments because my body was unable to. When I had surgery, that security blanket of endless time was gone. I stepped into my new season with regained strength. I got involved in my church again and enrolled in classes to finish my associates degree (much more on that story can be found here). As the semester progressed, I quickly realized that time was passing quickly, the well of money was running dangerously dry, and I needed a plan. There was a night at the beginning of October where I sat in the living room with my parents and sobbed for a long while, feeling completely defeated and like I was going to have to trade in my dreams for something that others expected of me: a full-time desk job and a lofty savings account. A lot of the people, comforts, and things that I had been placing my hope in had been removed from my life and I was feeling very empty. That emptiness was a true blessing because it created room for other things to move in.
I chose to keep moving from right where I was at and, shortly after, provision came in the form of two part-time babysitting jobs and an impromptu scarf shop on Etsy. I was offered an internship with the creative team at my church and I had friends ask me to design pieces for their homes, conferences, and weddings. When I finally felt like I was beginning to have somewhat of a solid footing again, my shaky steps were made more secure by a surprise trip to the South that would affirm my goals. Something in me switched and suddenly there was this sense of purpose and renewed hope within me. I credit that fully to God. I believe He knows when our souls are weary and when we are in need of an infusion of something extra special.
When my mama and I left for North Carolina on November 12th, I tried to carry little expectation with me of what the trip would be like. I was so grateful for the opportunity to be face-to-face with the dreams that I had been holding within my heart, but I didn’t want there to be any disappointment if things were different than I had imagined them to be. Fortunately, my trip was incredible and I felt a change within me when I returned home.
Since then, I have felt this push to grow, to blog more, to fill my days with inspiration and beautiful content, to glean wisdom everywhere I possibly can. I have been blessed with an incredible opportunity to learn more about the wedding industry with a part time job as the assistant at Ruth Eileen Photography. I finished my degree and have been busy in the best ways. God has been speaking a whole lot of truth into my life lately that I believe He has been ready to share with me all along but was simply waiting for me to turn my ear to Him to listen. Old habits and hangups have been eliminated from my life and I have found myself with increased discipline and a desire to abide.
If I am not following and walking with Him, I think this is all going to fall apart. I am moving forward right now because I believe He has brought me here to this place and wants me to grow in it. If I turn back to my old ways, if my steps become aimless, I think this momentum will crumble. It can be easy to feel shaken when people question my financial circumstances, how I will pay my increasing bills, how I will support myself. While I know they mean well, I’m doing okay right now and ends are being met. God is providing. I don’t want to fill my days with anything less than purposeful work that I believe in. I want to feel invigorated and satisfied at the end of the day, knowing that I have been true to myself and am investing in my goals. Right now, I am so thankful to have small sources of income that give me the opportunity to do that. If I listen to the wrong voices or I let any ounce of pride creep in, that can all become muddled in an instant. Yet, with my eyes fixed on Him, I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. My current pursuits and commitments point to my goals and are an investment into where I want to be going.
I don’t have it all together. I am still in the midst of a self-imposed spending freeze. I have a goal to regain my physical wellness that I am two days into taking action on. My blog still has “.wordpress” in the address and my blog design comes from a free template. I want to have my own beautiful website, a manicured portfolio, thick letterpress business cards, and a big ten-step plan, but right now I am putting one foot in front of the other and using what I have right where I am at. I am interacting with the people I look up to and I am blogging from my heart. I am gaining experience and am investing in myself wherever I can. And you know what? I’m happy here, friends.
I believe that God has me on the cusp of something great, and I am holding on tightly to His hand to guide me every step of the way.
Photo Source: Made by Folks