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For the Heart

February 5, 2014

My Life-Altering Change of Heart

Good Morning Friends!
Today is a snowy day in New Hampshire. It is rumored that my town will be blanketed in over a foot of snow by the end of the day, so I am staying in my pajamas and watching the fluffy flakes fall from beneath my quilt. I have been busy with fun plans for the past week so I am having a hard time being cooped up today. I have spent the first five days of February focusing on joyful life-giving activities such as studying scripture and spending time with dear friends. I have appointments for my back tomorrow and Friday which will determine when my surgery will be taking place. I am so grateful that I can type those words without breaking down.

As I begin to approach surgery, placing one foot in front of the other, I continue to be in awe at the way that God has been changing my heart over the past five weeks. He has been cleaning out the weight and burden of hurts and mistakes, and filling the space with inexplicable joy and hope. I was in a terrible place at the end of 2013 and I was so deeply entrenched in my problems that my perspective was completely clouded. For awhile I blamed my hurt and discontentment on my circumstances. Experiencing pain and not having a source of income right now can be very discouraging, and I was feeling buried by the pressure of healing and providing for myself. I was so terrified of surgery that I was constantly consumed by fear and stress, crying almost daily and treading gently into each day, weary of causing more pain.

As Christmas approached, I had reached my breaking point emotionally and physically. I decided to surrender all to God because I just knew that doing things my way was not going to work. I wasn’t living fully, I was merely existing and trying to survive each day without increasing my pain or breaking down. It sounds dramatic but it is honestly where I was at, and greatly by my own doing. I was not actively trying to better myself, but rather sulking and feeling sorry for myself and the limitations that I was experiencing.  I was awaiting change without making changes, until I bravely began to pray for change and left the rest up to God.

Since then, I have celebrated life. As my head has rested on my pillow at the end of the day over the past five precious weeks, I have often wished to replay the experiences of each day because they have been so fulfilling and hope-giving. Now that my heart and mind have changed, everything within and around me has been changing too, in big and beautiful ways. God has been weaving threads of hope into every fiber of my being and I will never stop being grateful for it.

The most remarkable part of this is that my pain has consistently increased over the past five weeks, and each day I have gotten closer to the approaching surgery. Despite those factors, I am purely happier than I have ever been at any time in my life. My eyes are welling up a bit as I type those words, but they are so honest. If my heart hadn’t changed five weeks ago, I cannot even imagine where I would be emotionally right now. Instead of continuing down the wrong path, I surrendered all to God and have since watched Him work in my life in big ways.

Experiencing this first-hand has changed my perspective on life and it all started with a simple, heartfelt prayer. He meets us wherever we are at, and I so deeply hope that you know that. Enjoy your day dear friend, snow-filled or not. 🙂



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